CW: there’s gonna be some boob talk in this one, so feel free to skip it if you are someone who would prefer to not consider that fact that I have both breasts and feelings about them.
This coming week will mark six months since my breast reduction surgery. According to most things I’ve read about the procedure, I’m basically done with recovery. My breasts aren’t swollen anymore and have likely settled into the size and shape that they’ll remain (barring the eventual effects of aging and any weight gain or loss in my future). I can start wearing unwire bras again1, I can sleep on my side or stomach again2, I can go in a hot tub3, I can do upper body workouts again, and I’m well passed the point where I run the risk of additional complications or issues healing.
It’s interesting hitting this milestone. In the first days, weeks, and even two months following the surgery, I was keenly aware of the fact that I’d had a fairly significant surgery. First I was dealing the pain of the surgery and pain is an excellent tool for creating constant awareness of your own body. Then, after the pain subsided, I was dealing with some complications that weren’t actively painful but were distressing and distracting. Then, once those complications resolved, I was occupied almost daily at figuring out the limits of my recovery - how much could I do without causing pain or spiking my swelling again?
As someone who has spent a lot of time trying to get to the brain space where I’m not spending most of my time thinking about my body, it was a little destabilizing to be spending three months constantly thinking about the state of my breasts.
Now, six months out, I’m struck by how adaptable humans can be. Somewhere after the third month, I stopped thinking about this part of my body every day. My scars don’t surprise me when I see them. I can’t quite recall what my body felt like before this. I know that I did this surgery for a reason (for multiple reasons, really) but I can’t remember in an embodied way what my back and shoulders felt like. I know this is better but I’m also starting to take that for granted. This is just my body now, scars and all.
But sometimes I do get jolted into remembering how new all of this is. I went for a walk earlier this week and decided I wanted to try a little jogging, just to see what it felt like. And - holy shit. Is this what jogging is supposed to feel like? I jogged for a little bit and marveled at how much easier it felt and I was only wearing one sports bra. This is how other women have been living the whole time? Amazing.
Last weekend I grabbed a few bras off of the Target clearance rack. I grabbed them in two sizes, figuring that one of them would be the correct size. They were both comically too big for me. I haven’t been able to buy a bra off the rack at Target since… ever? And now they were too big? Truly, living the dream. Also, I realize that I don’t actually know what size I wear and probably ought to figure that out soon.
Recently I also hugged a friend who told me that my hugs feel different now and that she was startled at how different I looked. It was all I could do not to offer to whip my shirt off so she could see how perky my current situation. Because I’m a lady (usually) I refrained. You’re welcome, everyone else at Panera.
It was an interesting reminder that I’m not invisible. I’ve never been able to gauge how much anyone ever pays attention to my body, especially discrete parts of my body - being in a larger body means that it often just feels like people pay attention to your overall size, if that makes sense. I’ve honestly wondered if my surgery was obvious, if people can tell that I’m about seven cup sizes smaller. Now that I’m so used to my new proportions, it is easy for me to assume that nobody can tell that I’ve changed. I suspect that when spring and summer roll around and my bulky winter clothes go back into storage, I’ll probably look even more different to people who don’t see me as often. The thought of being noticed for something on my body makes me feel a little internally squirmy but I also don’t think I need to feel embarrassed by acknowledging that I had this surgery.
Before I hit my one year anniversary for the surgery, I’ll compete in my summer triathlon. I’m growing ever more curious to see how I’ll do. One the one hand, I lost a fair bit of fitness to the eight weeks when I wasn’t cleared to exercise and then the slow return to fitness as I’ve also been dealing with an unrelated shoulder injury. On the other hand, I’m literally built different now. Running might be accessible to me in a way that it hasn’t been for a long time (assuming I can keep my knees happy and my plantar fasciitis at bay). My cycling posture has changed. I’m still learning how this body moves and I’m optimistic.
The number one question I’ve gotten since this surgery is “do you regret it?” and this may be the easiest question about my body I’ve ever had to answer. Never. Not once. Not for a second, even on the hardest recovery days.
It’s nice to have that level of certainty about, well, anything.
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Now, on to some less boob related content!
Here are some things I was into this week:
Do I technically need anymore sandals for this summer? No, but the heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wanted these Tevas, so they are on their way to my house and I can’t wait to seem taller than I actually am.
One thing I know about myself with absolute certainty is that, if I was famous enough to be invited to award shows or events with swag bags or gift baskets, I would take one EVERY SINGLE TIME. The Oscar gift bag intel is out and I’m into the Switzerland vacation, please
My song of the week is “Eldest Daughter” by Isabel Pless. I’m a wee bit concerned how much I still related to these lyrics, despite actual years of therapy to get over my people pleasing bullshit…I’m a work in progress
“I would do anything to be needed/Over and over again/ I'm back on my routine loving bullshit/Pamper myself with meticulous habits/Cling to what I know like a golden safety net (Ah)/ Caffeine and praise like wind in my sails”
I’m a fan of Peloton’s mobility content generally and their feet and ankle mobility classes in particular. I’m trying to make sure I do one or both of these classes on a regular basis to keep my feet feeling good as I increase my walking/running in the nicer weather.
But I don’t need to, which feels still kind of miraculous.
I was a dedicated side sleeper before the surgery but now am firmly a back sleeper, but have become even more high maintenance about my pillow arrangement. I require a minimum of four pillow, preferably six to create the exact right configuration.
I do not have regular access to a hot tub but it’s nice to know I could if I did, I suppose.
So enjoying being able to follow your journey!
You have definitely looked happier in pics you’ve shared so I just assumed it was all great with surgery recovery. I’m so glad to hear it verified! I love swag bags! But I love making them even more. I coordinate a small quilt retreat and decided from the first year that everyone gets a swag bag. I spend all year finding treasures for it. At this year’s they completely surprised me with a Queen Bee themed box of lovely gifts. Swag is my jam!!! It would be so fun to do it with an Oscars’ budget.