I was 29 when I got pregnant with my son. In my circle of friends at the time, this made me practically an aged sea hag of a first time mother. Nearly all of my friends had at least one kid (and sometimes two and at least one who was on her fourth) by that point, so my pregnancy was greeted with something like relief (finally, Wendy, sheesh1) and many bags of hand-me-down baby clothes and gently used baby gear. I accepted all of it gratefully, including a stack of pregnancy and parenting books.
The impossibly tiny onesies and tiny little baby jeans with their stupid and adorable pockets and cute sneakers that my son’s feet would turn out to be way too fat2 for … all of those turned out to be things I was grateful to get from my more experienced mom friends.
The pregnancy and parenting books? Eh, not so much.
There was the classic What to Expect When You Are Expecting, which I know I only made it through a couple of chapters of before I set it aside for being too boring and also kind of judgey. I was deep in the throes of daily barfing and the only foods I wanted to eat were McDonald’s chicken nuggets, Sonic tater tots, and oranges by the crateful. I think I gagged while reading a chapter about the importance of leafy greens and gave up.
There was the DREADFUL Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, a book whose central premise was basically “ugh, you are going to be SO FAT and your body is gross and your husband is probably never going to look at you the same”. The author also claimed that the most essential piece of maternity clothing a woman could have was a black velvet catsuit, because what could be more comfortable for someone peeing 97 times a day than a skin tight catsuit?
There were a few other books that I know I never read. It wasn’t that I wasn’t curious about pregnancy and parenting, but I was also pregnant during the glory days of “mommy blogging” so I read a lot of blogs and lurked around The Bump’s baby forums instead. I’ve always liked hearing other peoples stories about parenting (or choosing not to parent - I’m always interested in that story too) or how they make sense of being a mom, but I just wasn’t super interested in being told I had to have some pre-determined parenting philosophy or my child would never sleep and/or become a sociopath.
In truth, I can’t recall reading any parenting books since I became a mom. I love books, I devoured many memoirs about the experience of motherhood, and I’ve done plenty of my own writing about it, which has always helped me understand myself and who I want to be as a parent. But mostly, I haven’t really wanted to read books that are designed to be instructional about parenting. I’ve been fairly content to parent by instinct and most of my parenting challenges have usually been solved by the same thing: time.
While it feels like I’m tempting the fates to say this, I’ve been pretty confident about my parenting for most of my kids’ lives. I have my bad days and my moments of doubt and there are mistakes that I don’t like to think too much about, but most of the time, I’m pretty sure I’m a great mom.
That being said, now that my kids are in middle school and high school, I’m becoming more and more aware that there is a real dearth in the market for actually helpful parenting guides to confront the real challenges we face at this stage. So, I’m thinking (with all the hubris of someone who hasn’t actually finished this part of parenting yet) that maybe I’ll write some once my kids are grown. I will surely have more wisdom about this part of parenting than I do now, and I’m 99.8% sure my kids will still love me. Also? I won’t tell anyone that they need to eat more spinach or wear black velvet catsuits, so I already know I can be more useful than those tired old bestsellers.
Here’s my current list of proposed titles:
My Name is Not Dude and Please Stop Calling Me Bro: A 27 step plan to getting called ‘Mom’ again
Still My Tiny Infant Baby: Emotional recovery for mothers of children who have rudely gotten taller than them
Fine for Me and Not for Thee: Why you aren’t a hypocrite when you enforce screen time rules while scrolling Instagram five hours a day
It’s Best Not to Think About It: The incomplete guide to teenage habits it’s best just to ignore for the comfort of all involved
Using the Word ‘Rizz’ and 86 Other Easy Ways to Embarrass Your Children
Maybe You Should Sell Feet Pics: A financial planning guide for parents whose kids are considering out of state colleges
Don’t Fuck This Up, For the Love of God: Deep breathing exercises for mothers determined not to pass on all their body image baggage to daughters who suddenly have boobs.
They’ll Move Out Eventually: Threat or Promise?
Of Course I Want You To Tell Me Everything About F1 Racing: An illustrated guide to looking interested so your teenager will keep talking to you
Money is Just a Construct: A healing workbook for parents whose children want to do club sports
49 Pizza Rolls is a Serving Size: A recipe guide for mothers of teenage boys
I’ll let you know when preorders are available, obviously.
(Please note: I actually think parenting teens is underrated. It can be A LOT on some days, but, man, these kids are so good and funny and interesting).
I was 26 when I got married and was one of the last of my friends from high school and college to get to that milestone. It also took us a bit to get pregnant, which was SO annoying after a life time of internalizing the message that getting pregnant was an ever present danger that could befall someone at! any! moment!
On my list of things in life that are objectively perfect and impossible to improve on, I would put a fat baby foot in the top ten.
Mine would be “ Of Course I Want You To Tell Me Everything About Your Luton Town Career Mode.” At least he talks to me and tells me about what he’s doing! 😂
One to add to your list please: “Understanding How Your Teenager Uses Emojis” 🤷🏼♀️
Weren't the mommy blogging heydays great? I'm still online friends with a whole bunch of people I met through our blogs. Your book titles made me snort laugh. I may write one myself. It'll be called, "Please Come Home Sometime, But No, Not Like That: What to do when your college student moves home."