Big Dumb Feelings

and an ill-advised Spotify playlist to poke the bruise

Photo by Nik on Unsplash

Well, hello, hi, hey there.

As I write this, we are currently about 30 hours out from my oldest beloved stepson arriving from California and 48 hours out from my son’s high school graduation. My daughter is also finishing up 8th grade¹ this year, so the last two weeks have been a blur of awards ceremonies, art shows and concerts, final middle school track meets, last high school volleyball game, senior year events, and the start of grad party season. I also had three work trips this month while my son added to his fun by getting his wisdom teeth pulled this week².

My calendar for the next few weeks doesn’t look a whole lot more chill, to be honest. We’ve got one last scholarship awards dinner, then graduation, then my son’s 18th birthday, then I have two back-to-back work trips³ before my son and I fly to Dallas for a World Cup game⁴ (Netherlands v. Japan)

Hup Holland Hup!

Last summer, at around this time, I was thinking about the prospect of my son’s senior year and was low-key worried that I’d just spend the whole year crying. In general, I’m not usually much of a crier nor do I tend to want (or need? maybe?) to spend a lot of time dwelling in or talking about my feelings, but senior year felt like a big emotional deal, you know?

And, duh, it is. This has definitely been the most bittersweet year of my parenting experience so far and I have had a few (mostly soccer related) moments of having to blink back some tears.

But I don’t think I expected just how many feelings I’d be somewhat rapid cycling through in the last month of his high school career. So far it has been a combo platter of:

• Annoyance because WOW did the senior slump start slumping. I did not expect to do this much nagging about turning in your damn French homework at this stage of the game.

• Mom guilt about not being able to make it to all the things and having to make choices to prioritize one kid’s volleyball game over the other kid’s track meet or missing shit altogether because this also my busiest time of the year at work

• Pride in seeing my son get recognized for some of his academic and athletic accomplishments

• Melancholy that comes from realizing that there are some kids who I’ve watched grow up since 1st grade or parents that I’ve shared countless hours on the soccer sidelines with that we probably won’t see much of in the future. There are some friendships I’ve made with other parents that I know will persist even as our kids go in opposite directions, but there is also a network of friendly faces and casual friendships that probably won’t. Not every friendship is meant to last forever (as all the kids in my son’s class are about to find out as they scatter across the country), but it does feel like we’re on the verge of losing a bit of our community

• Boredom because… well, let’s be honest here… graduations and awards ceremonies are often very, very boring except for the 30 seconds your own kid is on stage.

There is also excitement about some of the fun stuff coming up (did I mention THE WORLD CUP? With my soccer obsessed son? YESSSSSSSSSS) and nervous anticipation about the day I drop him off at college and drive home with an empty car. He’s so ready for the next chapter and I’m happy for him. Really. I am. At least 87% happy, most of the time.

Perhaps in part because I’ve felt too frantically busy to really sit down and have a cry about all this, ultimately I haven’t been the teary eyed disaster that I worried I might be as we edge closer to graduation.

That doesn’t, however, mean that I haven’t been doing a little wallowing in my feelings lately.

And did I make myself a Spotify playlist called “Big Mom Feels” to aid in my wallowing? Yes, yes I did.

Just in case you are also looking to feel feel emotionally compromised by the fact that children age and relationships change and time just moves on relentlessly all the while, here are a few of the highlights:

Orbiter by Noah Kahan

I once wrote a poem called Astronauts (see below) that was inspired by sons and mothers, so obviously the lines below him me right in the feels

I’m a college kid
With my windows down
I’m an astronaut
You’re the moon
I stare at you
I sing to you
I circle you

Conversations With My Son (Gangsters & Angels) by Mumford & Sons

Lyric that gets me:

Reach across again
Here's where heaven starts
I'm with you till the end
With my hand over your heart

You’re Gonna Go Far by Noah Kahan

Yes, I am in a big Noah Kahan phase right now but also these lyrics are perfect:

So, pack up your car, put a hand on your heart
Say whatever you feel, be wherever you are
We ain't angry at you, love
You're the greatest thing we've lost
The birds will still sing
Your folks will still fight
The boards will still creak
The leaves will still die
We ain't angry at you, love
We'll be waiting for you, love

Forever Young by Andrea von Kampen

This is one of my all-time favorite covers of this song and the more melancholy vibe is exactly what I want right now.

1. Even though she is in the same school district as my son, she still has two full weeks of school left, which is very weird to me.

2. I’ve definitely been babying him more than is strictly medically necessary but I’ve got to admit that it feels nice to be needed. My baby wants his mom still when he doesn’t feel great and I’m not mad about it

3. According to my calendar, I will be in four different cities in three different states within one six day period

4. I am VERY! EXCITED! about this