The other night I was doom scrolling when I should have been going to bed like a responsible adult (revenge bedtime procrastination: the struggle is real) when I saw a video of the actor Michael Rapaport seemingly talking about getting paid for making what are essentially propaganda videos for Israel. Rapaport claims that the video (which he posted on his own Instagram account, which seems… weird) is the result of AI or CGI, while others on the Instagram claim that it doesn’t look like AI or CGI and that it must be real. He’s also claimed the video is real but it was a skit, which seems more likely.
I’m not going to weigh in on the whether the video is fake or not (I’m no Kate Middleton, what do I know about doctoring photos?) because my primary concern with this whole situation is that fact that I now have to really, truly grapple with the fact that there is now some genuine competition when it comes to identifying my most regrettable celebrity crush.
(Yes, I had a crush on Michael Rapaport, we’ll talk more about it later).
Before we dive into my list of child, teen, and early 20s celebrity crushes (after which point you can begin to judge me), let me make clear that I had celebrity crushes at a very normal level. Yes, I may have sent MANY a fan letter or two to Jordan Knight and yes I did get briefly emotionally invested in the Denver Broncos because a certain running back had a great smile, but at no point did I think any of these crushes would ever LOVE ME BACK know that I exist. I do not have any crushes on any of these people any more, nor do I have embarrassment about SOME of them.
In fact, there are a few of my former celebrity crushes that, although I crush no longer, I stand behind as fine celebrity crush options. Let’s start off in a good place and talk about them first.
Steve Kerr
As a kid growing up in Tucson, there was no bigger sports team than the University of Arizona men’s basketball team. Steve Kerr was a member of the 1988 team that thrilled my 10 year old heart by making it to the Final Four. I thought he was the cutest guy on the team and knew, only dimly, that he had some kind of sad story, which made him all the easier to root for. And so I did.
Now, Steve Kerr is a very successful NBA coach who seems well respected by his players. Off the court, he’s been married for over 30 years and has publicly spoken out against Trump, in favor of gun control, and eloquently about police violence against Black man. What’s not to like?
Embarrassment level for this crush: Zero.
David Oliver
I’ve always enjoyed watching track and field, but did I take a special interest in the 110m hurdles for a few years? Maybeeee…
I still like track and field and I still think the hurdles are an exciting event to watch, even if none of the runners has, hypothetically, the shoulders of a Greek god.
David Oliver is retired from racing now but is a successful college track coach at Howard University. He also does not have a “controversies” section on his Wikipedia page, so I wish him all the best.
Embarrassment level for this crush: Zero.
Blair Underwood
My mom was a big LA Law fan, and I remember once walking into the living room when the show was on and saying “that man is handsome”. She readily agreed with me but then it became clear that she was talking about Harry Hamlin while I was talking about the baby faced Blair Underwood. In my memory, she tries to convince me that Harry Hamlin or Corbin Bernsen or Jimmy Smits was more attractive. I’m not confident that this memory is true, but I remember feeling an awareness that there was something about my 8 or 9 year old self thinking he was handsome that made my mom uneasy. I didn’t quite understand what was happening in that moment and it seemed VERY WEIRD to try to deny that this man is good looking.
Now, this man is still good looking but it also seems like maybe he was a serial cheater on his wife? And got married about 5 seconds after he got divorced? Not great if true.
Embarrassment level for this crush: 1/10
Gary Hall Jr
Gary Hall Jr. was an Olympic swimmer known for his speed, for being very outspoken about doping (including calling out Amy Van Dyken for possibly being a doper, which thrilled teenage me because I hated Amy Van Dyken)(apologies if you were not a passionate fan of mid-1990s American swimming, feel free just to take my side and believe that Amy Van Dyken was kind of an ass back then), and for being seen by some other swimmers as a showboat. He’s also the only person on my crush list who I’ve ever actually seen in person, thanks to his appearances at some of the swim meets I competed in during high school.
My crush on him waned when he was briefly suspended from swimming for marijuana use which I found SHOCKING. An athlete? Doing DRUGS? Now I find that I am much more concerned about the fact that he appears to rock a ponytail and a mustache. Blond men should never have mustaches.
Embarrassment level for this crush: 2/10, because of mustache reasons.
Now, let’s turn our attention to the former crushes that move into the cringe level in hindsight.
Matthew (NOT GUNNAR) Nelson
My parents were quite strict about the kind of secular music we could listen to as kids. I wasn’t allowed to have my first radio until I was in 6th grade, so I mostly grew up listening to Amy Grant tapes and my dad’s country music in the car. Once I got my radio, one of the first non-Amy Grant tapes I was allowed to buy was Nelson’s After the Rain, which contained their only hit:
While my mother was generally morally opposed to men with long hair, she allowed the Nelson twins into my life because I think she had once had a crush on their dad, the late Ricky Nelson.
In my mind it was clear that Matthew was the cuter twin and I definitely had a poster or two of them on my wall.
These days, the Nelson twins tour in a tribute band to their father called Ricky Nelson Remembered. They don’t appear to be clinging to their own fame as much as their father’s (who died almost 40 years ago), which is a little sad. They seem to play at The Villages in Florida a lot, which gives me some Republican vibes. These very much seem like people who would happily play at a Trump rally, for both political reason and because they probably need the work.
I also have to say, as a twin myself, there is something off-putting to me about adult twins who still spend allllll their time together and who still occasionally dress alike.
Embarrassment level for this crush: 4/10
Kirk Cameron
Look, I’d like it to be true that I never had a poster of Kirk Cameron in my room, but c’mon. I grew up in a very religious household that didn’t have cable. Of course I eagerly watched Growing Pains and of course I thought Kirk Cameron was cute.
These days, he gives me the biggest possible ick. He’s sexist, homophobic, doesn’t believe in basic science and supports Trump. He’s a bad guy who thinks he’s a good one and that is one of my very least favorite combinations.
Embarrassment level: 10/10
And now we come to Mr. Rapaport.
Okay, so first a shallow note: this dude is only 54 years old. He’s aging like milk on a hot summer day.
I first saw him in the 1995 Higher Learning, where he plays a character who eventually joins a neo-Nazi group before killing himself. How this led to my crush on him is a little unclear. It may have had something to do with the fact that he looked a bit like one of my nicer high school boyfriends. When he had hair, that is. The skinhead look in the movie didn’t do anything for me, but I do love red hair. He was also tall and tall men can sometimes trick you into thinking they are hot.
By the time I was old enough to be watching Higher Learning, I was past the posters on the wall phase, but when I’d see him in movies or TV shows, I’d think, oh, yes, him. I think I like him.
Yeah, much like the actor himself, that hasn’t aged well.
Not only is he someone who a former girlfriend had to file a protection order against because of his harassment, he’s basically turned his whole brand into “guy who is very loud, all the time, and also kind of a dick”. He’s been in public feuds with everyone from a Real Housewife (Kenya) to Ariana Grande to LeBron James to Kevin Durant to Spike Lee to Kanye West. He’s both called Trump a “shit stain” (which I approve of) and indicated that he might vote for him in the next election because he approves of Trump’s stance on immigration. Even when I agree with him about stuff (he was generally pro-vaccine during Covid) he manages to talk about it in the most obnoxious way possible. I’m not sure he realizes that it is possible to have an unexpressed thought.
I’ve never actually listened to the Joe Rogan podcast, but Michael Rapaport is what I imagine the human version of that podcast would be.
The other reason I know this is my most embarrassing crush is because even my friend J. whose celebrity crushes include Bill Belichick and Steve Buscemi gave me a side-eye for this one.
Embarrassment level: 10/10
While participation is not a requirement for reading here, feel free to drop either your favorite early celebrity crush or most embarrassing in hindsight crush in the chat. This is a safe space for all those crushes that prove that the heart wants what the heart wants, no matter how cringeworthy those crushes appear in hindsight.
TEAM JORDAN FOREVER!
I think my most embarrassing in light of current events is Prince William. I know as a child of the 80s I'm not alone here, but remember making fun of the one girl who liked Harry better? You know those girls are women who are now hydrated, moisturized, and enjoying a tiny hit of schadenfreude every day that goes by. I love this for those ladies.
Growing up in the Boston suburbs, it was Joe McIntyre always and forever. I even located his childhood home on a (paper) map and begged my mother to drive me there, where I promptly knocked on the front door and chatted with his dad. NKOTB posters everywhere through the late 80s/early 90s.
I remember having serious debates in high school about how Brandon Walsh would be a good husband, but Dylan McKay would be the better boyfriend. The Jason Priestly worship is embarrassing, but I stand by Luke Perry (RIP).
Massive Ethan Hawke crush in early college - no posters - but he moved to the neighborhood I lived in in my late 20s/early 30s, and I started to see him all the time and began to strongly suspect that he was a giant douche, so I carry that embarrassment to this day.