Go Sports!

My very serious, totally researched, definitely not subjective guide to the World Cup

In 2018, FIFA announced that the 2026 World Cup would be hosted by the US, Mexico, and Canada. My son was just about to start middle school, but it didn’t take me too long to do the math and realize that 2026 would be both his 18th birthday year and his high school graduation year. He already loved soccer generally and the World Cup specifically and I remember thinking “hmm, World Cup tickets would be a pretty damn epic graduation and 18th birthday gift…”

Fast forward to today and I have a high school graduate, a very newly minted* 18 year old, and two tickets for the Netherlands vs Japan game next week!

(*His birthday is today, actually. I’d wish him a happy birthday, but I don’t think he’s ever been bored enough to want to read his mom’s Substack)

(Also, I feel like I should note for internet defensiveness purposes that, yes, FIFA as an organization sucks, that it’s totally valid that there are international fans that are skipping the World Cup games in the US because our government also currently sucks, and that ticket process for this year’s World Cup has been a hot ass mess. All of that is true but also the soccer loving heart wants what the soccer loving heart wants, and we want to see Virgil van Dijk play)

While I am very excited about seeing a game in person, I know that won’t be the only game I watch. On the soccer fan scale, I’d put myself somewhere between “cares/knows more about soccer than the average American” and “cares/knows more about soccer than the average Brazilian two year old”. I agree that it should really be called “football” but also still think it kind of sounds pretentious when Americans say that instead of “soccer”. I have strong opinions about some players, but can also admit that those opinions are much more likely to be based on vibes or handsomeness than knowledge of a player’s stats. I’ve gone to several MLS games, I’ve actually watched the Dutch national team play a game in the Netherlands, I can for sure tell you who won the last World Cup and can identify at several of the big stars to watch this year … but please don’t ask me to explain the offside rule or to tell you who the coach or starting lineup for the US team will be.

Despite my, um, lack of comprehensive soccer knowledge, I do feel equipped to offer my guide to choosing who to cheer for in the World Cup this year. This is a public service for those of you who may not be the biggest soccer fans but who might enjoy hopping on a bandwagon or just having someone to root against if you happen to catch some games.

(If you are a loyal soccer/football fan, please feel free to meet me in the comments and make your case for why people should cheer for your team)

There are 48 teams in the World Cup this year so let’s get into some of the teams and match-ups to watch this year.

The Team That Should Win (because I deserve happiness, damn it)

I’ve got my nails painted orange, I’ve been brushing up on my Dutch skills, and I might even revert to using my extremely Dutch maiden name until the end of the World Cup. I am ALL IN on the Team Oranje.

The Dutch have a fairly long tradition of being really good but just not quite good enough. They’ve won bronze medals in the Olympics three times and were runner-ups in the World Cup in 1974, 1978, and 2010, making them the country with the most WC final appearances without a win. I would be rooting for them to win it all this year, no matter what, but the Dutch are actually expected to be a strong team this year, with one of the best defensive line ups in the tournament. My hope happens to be a thing with orange feathers this year.

The Safe Bets for Bandwagon Fans

If you just want to root for a team that is a sure bet to get some wins and make it out of the group stages without too much trouble, you’ll probably want to look to Europe. Currently Spain, France, and England have the highest odds to win the World Cup, though some models also like the odds for Portugal and Germany as well.

My son (the soon to be college soccer player) is also rooting for the Netherlands but thinks that Spain and France are the most likely to win this time around.

Team to Root For if You Like an Epic Team Photo

Norway’s team photo is, to quote my son, “tough” (which is one of his highest compliments)

Norway is lead by one of the best players in the world, Erling Haaland, who is 6’5 of aggressive blond striking ability, so they’ve also got that going for them.

The Underdogs List

Four countries are making their World Cup debuts this year: Cape Verde, Curaçao, Jordan, and Uzbekistan. For each of these teams, just winning a single game would be a really big deal, so it’s hard not to want to root for them at least a little big.

Some fun facts about Curaçao: In addition to being the smallest country in the WC by area, they are also the smallest in terms of population (the population of Curaçao is roughly half that of St. Paul, MN). They also only have one player who was actually born on the island. The rest of the team hail from the Netherlands. Their beloved head coach is named Dick Advocaat, so how can you root against them during Pride month?

If you really, really want to root for underdogs, South Africa, New Zealand, and Iraq have all played in the World Cup before but have long odds against them for winning games and even scoring more than a couple of goals in the tournament.

Fashionable Faves

If you don’t actually care about soccer but you do care about fashion, you can always pledge your loyalty to the country with the best kits. My personal faves this year include:

Mexico (away kit)

Belgium’s away kit, which was designed to be a nod to Belgian surrealist painter René Magritte (we love a combo of sports and art)

I’m also into Ghana’s colorful kit, which was inspired by Kwaku Ananse, a figure from West African folklore often depicted as a spider, which again gives me those art+sports vibes.

You’ll note that I don’t feature the US here because our kits are BORING. Red and and stripes? How original. It’s giving “Where’s Waldo” vibes.

Just Here for Eye Candy

Soccer is known as “the beautiful game” so far be it from me to suggest that you shouldn’t choose who to root for on the basis of hotness alone. According to my son, Jude Bellingham (England) is considered to be one of the best looking players in the tournament this year.

At 43, Scottish goalie Craig Gordon is the second oldest player in to get to a World Cup and he is the eye candy choice for anyone who likes a little salt and pepper plus crinkly eyes combination. He also has five kids, for anyone looking to make the obvious “Daddy” jokes…

If cheekbones and a STRONG profile game are your thing, may I suggest Ko Itakura of Japan?

Marcus Rashford is a certified cutie pie, representing England for his third World Cup.

If height is your thing, Austria’s Florian Wiegele is your man. At 6’9, he’s the tallest player in the tournament this year.

Prefer a short king? I got ya … please meet Cesar Yanis from Panama, who is the shortest player this year at 5’3.

The World Cup Award for Bearded Excellence (a very real award that I did not just totally make up sitting here on my couch) might go to Joško Gvardiol of Croatia, the answer to the question “what if soccer player AND lumberjack?”

Some other websites might also rank hottest players and many of them will include Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo. This is incorrect because he gives me the ICK in a very significant way. Also, I’ll never be able to un-see this statue of him.

But What About the US?

Okay, here’s the thing: I am not, for VERY OBVIOUS REASONS, feeling particularly patriotic at the moment, so I’m not going to encourage anyone to root for the US team. The truth is that we’re still not that great at soccer, so even with some home field advantage, it’s hard to see the US doing a whole lot once they move out of the group stages.

Also? We don’t deserve nice things after releasing an official anthem that sounds like a fucking truck commercial.

Embarrassing.

So, in summary: Go Oranje and Curaçao and hot dudes from around the globe!

(not you, Ronaldo).